“Are you using your therapist?” It is an unusual question, perhaps even an uncomfortable one. But I think it is an important question to ask.
Therapy is relational work. While techniques, interventions, insight, and skills can all have an important place in therapy, the relationship between therapist and client is not simply the context in which those things happen. The therapeutic alliance itself is meaningfully associated with therapeutic outcome across different approaches to psychotherapy (Horvath & Symonds, 1991; Flückiger et al., 2018). The relationship matters.
And this means that your therapist is someone you can, in a particular and carefully bounded sense, use.
Not use in the sense of taking advantage of another person. Not use your therapist to meet every need or to make difficult feelings disappear. Rather, therapy offers a unique kind of relationship that you can use as a place to explore what it is like to be in relationship with another person in a safe, boundaried, and intentionally exploratory way.
You may notice yourself wanting your therapist to approve of you. You may be afraid of disappointing them, hesitant to disagree, or worried that you are asking for too much. You may become frustrated when they misunderstand you, feel hurt by something they say, or notice yourself pulling away when you feel vulnerable. You may even find yourself relating to your therapist in ways that feel strangely familiar.
This is part of the work.
The therapeutic relationship can become a kind of canvas on which relational patterns that are difficult to see elsewhere become more visible. Instead of simply talking about your relationships, you have the opportunity to notice what happens within a relationship: the therapeutic relationship. You can slow things down. You can become curious. You can tell your therapist what you are experiencing and practice asking for what you need, expressing disagreement, tolerating disappointment, setting boundaries, repairing a rupture, and discovering that conflict does not necessarily mean the end of a relationship. On the contrary, within the therapeutic relationship, these things are not only permitted; they are encouraged and even celebrated as opportunities for growth.
Sometimes this is discussed in terms of parallel process, particularly in psychotherapy supervision, where relational dynamics occurring in one relationship can be reflected in another (Tracey et al., 2012). More broadly, however, therapy can provide a space in which relational patterns become visible as they are happening rather than only after the fact.
This is one reason I believe relational work deserves more than a passing place in therapy. We are not only people who have relationships. We are formed, wounded, and restored in relationship. What happens between you and another person can carry information about what you have learned to expect from relationships, what you fear, what you protect against, and what you may still hope is possible.
So perhaps the question is not only, “What am I supposed to get out of therapy?”
Perhaps it is also: “How am I using this relationship to do the work I came here to do?” And what can I learn about myself and my way of relating to myself, others, and God through this relationship?
Therapy gives you a relationship that is intentionally structured around your growth. You do not have to perform for your therapist or get the relationship “right.” You can bring your humanity into the room, including the parts of you that are uncertain, angry, disappointed, afraid, hopeful, or unsure of what you need.
And sometimes, the most meaningful work in therapy happens when you stop talking about the relationship you are trying to understand and begin to notice what is happening right here in the present, between you and your therapist.
References
Cassoni, E. (2007). Parallel process in supervision and therapy: An opportunity for reciprocity. Transactional Analysis Journal, 37(2), 130–139. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215370703700205
Flückiger, C., Del Re, A. C., Wampold, B. E., & Horvath, A. O. (2018). The alliance in adult psychotherapy: A meta-analytic synthesis. Psychotherapy, 55(4), 316–340. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000172
Horvath, A. O., & Symonds, B. D. (1991). Relation between working alliance and outcome in psychotherapy: A meta-analysis. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 38(2), 139–149. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.38.2.139
Norcross, J. C., & Lambert, M. J. (2018). Psychotherapy relationships that work III. Psychotherapy, 55(4), 303–315. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000193
Tracey, T. J. G., Bludworth, J., & Glidden-Tracey, C. (2012). Are there parallel processes in psychotherapy supervision? An empirical examination. Psychotherapy, 49(3), 330–343. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0026246″
To connect with Ashley Schumacher, visit her directory profile at
https://find.catholictherapists.com/ashley-schumacher
- Are You Using Your Therapist? - October 1, 2026
Affiliate Link Disclaimer: As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. I only recommend resources I personally believe in and always have the interests of my clients and subscribers at heart.
