A lot of people are struggling today. Depression and anxiety are at all-time highs. Past abuse and trauma have become more common and can be debilitating for many. Yet, some people seem to heal more quickly, while for others it seems insurmountable.
We never want to minimize what others have experienced. Sitting in the therapist’s chair these many years I’ve witnessed and walked through some horrifically painful memories. I’m in awe of the strength and determination I’ve seen in people to find healing and make peace with their past. Being heard and understood and knowing someone cares enough to listen is a big part of the healing process. We’re not meant to carry such heavy burdens on our own. There’s no exact timeline for healing either. Everyone has to take it at their own pace and deserves patience and respect for their process. A skilled therapist understands this and can guide someone toward healing and freedom.
The bottom line for true healing though is the same ultimately for everyone. Once someone understands what happened and processes their emotions, letting go of the pain through forgiveness is crucial to freedom. And of course, that can be the sticking point for many.
There are a few reasons for this. Some hurts and sins are so heinous that they seem unforgivable. And forgiving such perpetrators just seems terribly unjust. They may have not repented and so they simply don’t seem to deserve forgiveness for what they’ve done.
All perhaps true. But let’s clarify a few things.
What Forgiveness Really Means
First, when it comes to heinous crimes, forgiveness does not mean you don’t pursue justice. Sometimes charges need to be pressed and the perpetrator punished according to the law. God is a God of justice and shirking our responsibility to hold criminals accountable enables them to commit more crimes and hurt more people.
But there are so many hurts where there is no legal recourse. It might have been the betrayal of a friend or spouse, a careless or cruel comment, or past hurts that happen in families of imperfect people. Parents rarely have a manual and their own past hurts and life stressors can take their toll and be passed to the next generation.
Forgiveness Does Not Mean Reconciliation
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. When the other party has not repented or continues to be a danger to you physically or emotionally, reconciliation may not be advisable.
But even in those situations, or perhaps especially in those situations, forgiveness is crucial.
Forgiveness is not primarily for the benefit of the offender, although it can understandably seem that way. It’s for you, for healing and to be free. It is an act of the will—not of our emotions.
If we wait for our emotions to catch up, we will likely never be able to forgive. It’s through the act of forgiveness first that our emotions eventually come into line.
Why Forgiveness Helps Us Heal
Forgiveness frees you. It evicts the other person and the offense from your heart so that love and joy can fill that vacancy.
How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You
Here are the three steps towards forgiveness:
- Tell Jesus that you forgive this person for [their offense] and ask that He forgive them too. This is an act of your will. You may still feel angry. That’s normal.
- Say a prayer for that person whenever the offense comes to mind and ask Jesus for the grace to forgive them from your heart.
- Repeats steps 1 and 2 as many times as necessary until you feel peace.
The mysterious thing is, that when we forgive, it often wins the grace for the offender to finally repent and find healing. Perhaps because forgiveness, especially for deep wounds, is a sacrifice. It’s an act of the will and an act of trust in God. It comes at a price.
Remember to unite your suffering with Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. He hears you. He wants to heal you. He saw all the sins that would ever be committed and sweat blood during His passion. This is not too much for Him. This is why He came. To set us free from sin, our own and those committed against us. He will use this for your ultimate good if you surrender it to His mercy and trust.
Allison is also the Founder and President of www.CatholicTherapists.com, and CatholicLifeCoaches.com, which provide nationwide networks of screened and dedicated Catholic therapists and Catholic life coaches.
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