What is Real Forgiveness? There is an old saying, “forgive and forget,” that is meant to move people forward from a hurtful situation. While it is well-intended, I do not think it is necessarily the best course of action. Before you misunderstand, I want to assure you that I am not advocating grudge-holding. Just the opposite. I’m advocating real forgiveness, the kind that is spiritually uplifting and lasting. When we forgive and forget, we tend to leave unresolved issues behind and miss out on important opportunities for learning and growth. Albeit difficult, hurtful situations are a gift from God meant to lead us toward Christian perfection and closer to him. I can say this from personal experience, having been raised by an emotionally disturbed and abusive mother.
To understand real forgiveness, we must first look at its antithesis—unforgiveness. It might surprise you to know that unforgiveness is classified in medical books as a disease. That is because harboring negative emotions creates a state of chronic anxiety, which can adversely affect your physical health.
St. Paul and Unforgiveness
St. Paul referred to unforgiveness as Satan’s “secret weapon.” It makes us spiritually sick, separates us from God’s love, and leaves us closed to the workings of grace. Unforgiveness saps our energy for doing good and diverts our attention from following God’s will for us. As St. Paul wrote in Ephesians: “Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).
The Crucial Question: Do You Want to Be Made Well?
Do you want to be made well? This is a huge question, especially when someone has harmed, cheated, abused, or abandoned us. Jesus’s first question was, “Do you want to be made well?” or “Do you believe?” This requires active participation and an expression of faith. Jesus will not force wellness on anyone and so he first seeks their willingness. Jesus asks us as well, “Do you want to be made well?” He wants our willingness so that he can effectively heal us.
Jesus at the Pool
In Jerusalem, by the Sheep Gate, there is a pool called Beth-zatha, which has five porticoes. Many invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed—lay there and one man had been ill for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be made well?” The sick man answered, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; and while I am making my way, someone else steps down ahead of me.” Jesus said to him, “Stand up, take your mat and walk.” At once, the man was made well, and he took up his mat and began to walk (Jn 5:2-9).
Most people do not want to be made well initially. They do not want to revisit the past or face their woundedness. They live in denial, saying things like, “My life is wonderful,” or “There’s nothing wrong with me; I’m fine.” They fear that the past will reflect on them and can have an actual aversion to healing. I was like that, until I opened myself to the possibilities our Lord had in store for me.
You Are a Child of God
Wanting to be well begins with a single, vital fact: God is Father, He created you, and that makes you, his child. It can be difficult to believe, especially if you have faced verbal abuse or other hardships. I assure you that no one loves you more tenderly and deeply than the Father—
so much so that it can be difficult to fathom. In his immense love, he sends you only what will lead you to become like his Only-Begotten Son. Jesus was crucified for the sake of your salvation, and so sometimes the Father will ask you to endure suffering that will help us to be more Christ-like.
Real Forgiveness is R.A.R.E
In the process of my own healing, I discovered four steps to reaching real forgiveness. Because they have been so effective for me, I actively share them with others through my writing, life coaching, and public speaking. To explain the steps, I use the acronym R.A.R.E: Review, Acknowledge, Release, and Entrust.
Review
With prayer, you must look back, no matter how painful or scary. Otherwise, the past will forever be a threat to you. If your past was especially traumatic, you may want to seek the guidance of a qualified professional.
Acknowledge
Acknowledge that it happened, that you are wounded, and that you have scars and quirks because of it. This does not make you less of a person. Learn to work with them and love yourself because of them.
Release
Turn the cause over to God. He knows what is best and is greater, wiser, and more powerful than you. Turn your pain over to your Blessed Mother, who loves you as no mother ever could. Release the debt and stop looking for vindication, retaliation, understanding, or proof that you did not deserve it. You did not, but you are stronger because of it.
Entrust
Place the cause of your pain and sorrow totally in Mary’s heart. Trust in her care and in God’s mercy, wisdom, and justice. You may want to write a prayer for yourself to express that. Repeat it often and internalize it.
No More Forgiving and Forgetting
When you understand the potential for growth in each difficult situation, you will be less likely to hold a grudge or “forgive and forget.” Instead, you will want to be made well and will move forward with grace as a Child of God.
To connect with Marge Steinhage Fenelon, visit her directory profile at https://www.catholiclifecoaches.com/marge-steinhage-fenelon
- Real Forgiveness is RARE - March 20, 2025
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