Selfishness. It seems to be an epidemic in society. It’s hard to argue. We see it everywhere. But is there a difference between selfishness and self-centeredness?
And if there is, does it matter?
Are the results likely the same?
Let’s look at two popular characters during the Christmas season: George Bailey and Mr. Potter. Now other than each being central characters in It’s a Wonderful Life (which, in my opinion, is one of the greatest movies ever made), they would seem to have little in common.
In the film we watch George grow up. He’s a delightful kid and a dreamer…he wants to leave that little town and do great things. But something always holds him back. Faced with doing what he wants and what he knows is good for others, George always does the selfless thing, but not without frustration.
Mr. Potter on the other hand is a miserly, miserable old man whose life is devoted to himself, without regard for how his choices affect others. He has no heart for the poor and nothing but anger and bitterness in his heart. In a word, he’s selfish. In fact, we get a glimpse of how bleak the world would have been if he had prevailed and if George had never been born.
But imagine if you had never seen the movie and you tuned into the part after George discovers the $8,000 is missing. He comes home and starts yelling at his wife and kids. He’s nasty and ready to throw things. Had you first encountered George Bailey here you might conclude this was a movie about domestic abuse. But anyone who’s seen the whole movie knows better—much better.
We watched George grow up. We watched him make sacrifices. We feel his frustration. We’re pulling for him.
What George is experiencing is a bout of self-centeredness. Deeply distressed and frightened, he is preoccupied with worry and frustration. Most of us can relate to that. I remember a close friend of the family who was like an uncle to me. Growing up he always delighted in my sister and me and was a very affirming and loving influence in my life. But after moving to another state, his health began to decline and when he visited for the last time, he was preoccupied and distracted. I felt disappointed…but I understood. He was suffering and that prevented him from being present to me the way he used to be.
Although what we see of Mr. Potter paints a different picture, we have to wonder. Could he simply be preoccupied with his own pain as well? Perhaps.
The story of Ebenezer Scrooge conveys this very point. A peak into Scrooge’s past shows us what made him the way he was and helped him to change his ways.
Entering Somewhere in the Middle
How often is our first glimpse of another individual at a time like that of George Bailey: anxious and worried, frustrated and angry? It’s so easy to judge. But that slice of reality rarely portrays a complete picture.
The point is this: there may be people in your life who hurt you or let you down. They may appear selfish—and perhaps they are. When it’s a parent or other significant person, it can leave a scar and ongoing frustration that is hard to heal. But remember, you entered into their lives in the middle somewhere. Had you watched the film of their lives, like we do with George Bailey, you may have gotten a different impression. Instead of seeing them as selfish, you might be pulling for them as well.
As much as your own anger and frustration may be justified, holding onto it and judging those who hurt you may only make you selfish as well and can lead to bitterness like Mr. Potter. Trying to see the wounded, frustrated child within the offender, forgiving, and then directing yourself to others is the way out. In the end you choose who you want to be: George Bailey or Mr. Potter.
Allison is also the Founder and President of www.CatholicTherapists.com, and CatholicLifeCoaches.com, which provide nationwide networks of screened and dedicated Catholic therapists and Catholic life coaches.
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