You’ve pulled off a wonderful party, and everyone had a great time. You finally have a moment to yourself. No one needs you. The house is quiet. And yet, your chest feels tight and you’re uneasy. Does that sound familiar?
Many call this anxiety. But what if it’s not anxiety in the clinical sense? What if your nervous system is adjusting, not to crisis, but to calm?
For highly-active people who are task-reward driven or those with many years of tight schedules and deadlines, stillness can feel more threatening than crisis. Life transitions like the empty nest, single life, or retirement are times when commitments change. The impulse to urgently fill the gap can be paramount for some.
Feelings are shifts in our body energy and are a normal part of life, sometimes purposeful and sometimes not. When we recognize the discomfort, it is also an opportunity to abide with the Holy Spirit, an invitation to self-awareness, renewal, and trust. Stillness is not emptiness. God awaits to meet you there.
Why Calm Feels Uncomfortable
Our brains are wired for what’s familiar. If your “normal” has been nonstop movement or emotional urgency, rest may feel unsafe. Your body might interpret a quiet moment not as peace, but something is not right: Am I forgetting something? What’s about to go wrong?
I often hear clients say:
- Everything in my life is fine, yet I sometimes feel anxious for no reason.
- I should be doing something important.
- I invent problems or set false deadlines.
- I’ll rest when everything is done.
- I’m not doing enough. I am not enough.
The Habit of Doing
To many, busyness becomes identity. Productivity gives us dopamine, a sense of control, and validation. As a coach, I believe action (practice) is essential to growth and purposefulness. However, constant busyness is constant noise. When quiet comes, discomfort rises. It takes more than wishing and hope for peace.
The science of psychology explains the theory of the “hedonic treadmill” – no matter the short-term positive or negative affect, most people adapt to highs and lows & return to their unique baseline emotional state [1]. We also know that chronic stress reshapes brain pathways, reinforcing hypervigilance [2,3]. Yet, optimism can be learned [4], and this kind of intentional mindfulness, with practice, has been shown to increase gray matter in the brain and have long-term positive effects [3].
Practicing reframing false narratives and improving healthy habits can help our souls become fertile ground for accepting peace. And yet, our faith tells us that peace is not earned, it is received; an optimistic state of mind can help us be open to trusting in God’s love.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you…
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
“Settle yourself in solitude, and you will come upon Him in yourself.”
St. Teresa of Avila [5]
Reframing the Narrative
Calm is not laziness. Stillness is not failure.
Are feelings calling you to purposeful action at this moment? If not, recognize, validate that feelings of discomfort and stress are normal human experiences and will pass. Remind yourself that your body is adjusting to a change of state. Reframe untimely, unnecessary restlessness with compassion:
- “This is restlessness I am feeling. I give myself freedom to be still.”
- “Slow movement is a sign of confidence, not weakness.”
- “I am safe. All is well.”
- “God is present in the silence. I will cherish this time.”
- “Today’s accomplishments are enough. I am enough.”
Incorporate Peaceful Practices
Here are a few examples:
- Grounding: Feel and savor warm drink in hand; Step outside barefoot.
- Vagus Nerve Activation: Slow your breathing in a peaceful manner; learn of other methods to calm your heart rate.
- Practice Intentional Rest: Regularly schedule 20 minutes of guilt-free enjoyment stretching, gardening, bird watching, etc.
- Journaling: “What would stillness without guilt look like?”
- Prayer traditions: Lectio Divina, Rosary, Eucharistic Adoration, Daily Examen, Confession, Mass.
- Catholic Coaching: Learning to engage your unique virtue strengths toward habits/routines to lean into your calling with confidence and peace. Flourishing is the peace of mind that comes when you experience gifts of the Holy Spirit, charisms, alive within you in your thoughts, words, and actions in unique offerings to the world.
You’re Not Alone
With prayer, practice, and trust, peace can become your new normal. Not because life is perfect, but because you are centered in God’s love.
“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10
If you have persistent, overwhelming feelings or thoughts that negatively impact your daily life, consider reaching out to a clinical therapist.
References:
1. Brickman, P., & Campbell, D. T. (1971). Hedonic relativism and planning the good society. In M. H. Appley (Ed.), Adaptation-level theory (pp. 287–302). Academic Press.
2. McEwen, B. S. (2000). The neurobiology of stress: From serendipity to clinical relevance. Brain Research, 886(1-2), 172–189. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0006-8993(00)02950-4
3. Hölzel, B. K., et al. (2011). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 191(1), 36–43.
4. Seligman, M. E. P. (1990). Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. Free Press.
Carver, C. S., Scheier, M. F., & Segerstrom, S. C. (2010). Optimism. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 879–889.
To connect with Suzi Ellington, visit her directory profile at
https://www.catholiclifecoaches.com/suzanne-ellington
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