It is such a privilege to work with a hurting couple seeking guidance as they know that they can’t walk this road alone anymore. What they are doing is simply not working. They have hurt one another, maybe betrayed their partner, or even abandoned them because of their silence or their lack of understanding. As a Catholic Marriage and Family Therapist, my first step is to provide a safe place where the couples I work with feel emotionally supported, seen and heard. Often, these couples have been disconnected for years or even decades, but they are still trying. They can’t make sense of their relationship problems and may feel nothing but anger towards one another. This is where the hard work begins! As I trust the promptings of the Holy Spirit, my job is to help the couple share their story and unfold the layers of pain and sorrow that lie beneath the anger.
Utilizing the tools from Emotionally-Focused Therapy, I have been trained to “attune” to people’s emotions and listen for the attachment longings that are hidden within the context of their repeating cycle of disconnection. The couple soon learns that their emotions are teaching them something about themselves, and the love they seek is not out of reach anymore. They learn through the process of therapy that their emotional reactivity is part of what drives the negative interactive cycle and is often a protest to being disconnected from their partner. Not only do couples learn to be more compassionate with each other, but they also become more self-aware in asking for their needs to be met rather than suppressing their thoughts and feelings.
Emotional growth and maturity are major goals of therapy. Every person experiences their emotions differently. Some may feel an intensity of sadness and despair and find their emotions as overwhelming as the waves of the sea. Another person may not experience their emotions at all and may appear to be cold and flat in their responses, often as a way of coping learned in childhood when there was no one there to care for their feelings. This can create confusion, anxiety, frustration, and anger as couples repeat the behaviors of turning away from their partner or running towards them, known as pursuit and withdrawal.
When couples learn that they have a very specific role to fulfill as a husband or wife, as laid out in the Bible, they can begin to experience an understanding of God’s design for marriage. They learn that husbands are to love their wives as themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. This, too, is a cycle that repeats itself and supports the sanctity of marriage. Higher-order thinking is what the work of St. Thomas Aquinas referred to as a way to manage emotions. Not only do we have the gift of feeling our emotions, but we also have the ability to control our emotions by utilizing that part of our brain that tells us to honor the person of Christ in our spouse, to see their pain and suffering as a cry for comfort and connection, ensuring that we will be committed to love them unconditionally and not withhold what we can freely give which is the gift of compassion, love, kindness, and emotional support.
Being aligned with the Holy Spirit is also a goal of therapy as each partner learns to attune to each other and the Holy Spirit’s promptings about how to respond to their spouse in a non-reactive manner. Jesus knows how much it hurts when a couple is suffering and lashing out at one another, trying to get their needs met. He knows the pain of being falsely accused and misunderstood. He knows that in this world we will have many trials. Jesus took on our transgressions—he died for our sins. He suffered so that we could be healed. If our Lord freely offers forgiveness and mercy to us, then we must do the same for one another, because by His stripes we are healed.
“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.”
Isaiah 53:5
To connect with Sheila Hynes, visit his directory profile at
https://find.catholictherapists.com/sheila-hynes-lmft
- A Lenten Renewal of the Heart in Marriage - February 26, 2026
- Encounter God’s Healing Presence in Your Marriage - January 29, 2026
- By His Stripes, We Are Healed - November 5, 2024
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